Part 1: Why We Stayed: Unveiling the Invisible Barriers to Escaping Abuse
Why We Stayed Series
(Some identifying information such as names, dates, and locations have been redacted to protect the identities of survivors telling their stories.)
By Patrice Tillery and Veronica Thomas
“If he was so abusive, then why did she stay?”
Often, when people hear about someone in an abusive situation or relationship, they ask, "If it was so bad, why did they stay?" This question, and the doubt it carries, is steeped in judgment. Survivors are frequently met with responses like these, which foster an environment of shame, making them hesitant to open up to loved ones. The last thing survivors need is disbelief, doubt, and judgment from those they trust.
As survivors of abuse who now work in the gender-based violence field, Patrice and Veronica have both personal and professional insight into this harsh reality. They understand how difficult it can be to leave an abusive relationship and the reasons why someone may choose to stay until they feel emotionally, physically, or psychologically ready to leave.
In this 3-part Survivor Story Series, Patrice and Veronica share their personal experiences of why they stayed in abusive relationships and what eventually gave them the strength to leave. Their stories lay bare their internal battles—between the need to protect their children, the fear of financial insecurity, and the hope that love and patience could bring change.
By sharing their stories, we hope to offer perspective on the lived realities of many survivors of abuse. These stories may help other survivors navigate their own situations and offer communities insight into why their loved ones might remain in abusive situations. To learn more about the survivor perspective, we invite you to explore BWJP’s series, "Things Survivors Wish You Knew."
In the first story of this series, you will hear from Veronica, who faced challenges with financial independence, the fear of losing her children, and an inability to recognize the different forms of abuse. Here is Veronica’s story:
The Financial Trap
“Without a career to lean on for support, I felt trapped. I had stayed home raising our children and followed him from job to job, state to state, for several years. I had never known financial independence throughout my entire young adult life. I didn’t know where to start, how to separate myself from him, or how to hide any money I did make because everything was shared, as he requested. Without the financial means to take care of myself, how could I possibly provide for my children if we separated? It took me four years of working part-time at $11 an hour to finally build enough independence, secure salaried income with benefits, and confidence to believe I could make it on my own as a single mother raising two children.”
The Fear of Letting Go
“Like many mothers, I couldn’t bear the thought of only having my children half the time. I was the main parent—the full-time, stay-at-home, always-on-call parent—while he showed little interest unless it suited him. Even during the relationship, I knew the children were afraid of him. I couldn’t be gone for long because he would eventually explode at them over something minor and call me screaming, ‘Come take your kids!’ My primary job was to keep the peace, calm him down, and shield the children from his anger and verbal abuse. It felt dangerous to imagine not being there 50% of the time, especially when they were so young. The kids were just 7 and 10 when we separated. While there’s no perfect age for kids to deal with divorce, knowing they were old enough to speak up if something was wrong gave me some comfort.”
Not Understanding Different Forms of Abuse
“I didn’t realize the relationship I was in was abusive. I knew how exhausting it was to live with someone I likened to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, but I was convinced by him, his family, and even society that constant arguments, walking on eggshells, verbal abuse, and his outbursts were just part of marriage—especially with someone who had past trauma. I reached out to his family for help, but they would remind me that all marriages are hard and I just had to work harder to support him through his PTSD and depression. When they found out he was cheating, they advised me to rekindle the romance by dressing in lingerie and ‘throwing myself at him.’ I believed, and hoped, that he would change. I believed his family when they told me he was a good man who just needed help, and that I should be the one to make that happen—for the kids.”
Veronica’s struggle to gain financial independence, her fear of losing her children, and the difficulty in recognizing abuse serve as powerful examples of the complex realities many survivors face.
Our next article in the series explores Patrice’s journey of resilience, the loss of identity through trauma, and the striking similarities that often connect survivor stories. Join us for Part 2 of our Survivor Series to learn more.
TAGS: #Gender Based Violence #News