Part 3: Why We Left: The Breaking Point & Finding the Strength to Finally Leave
Why We Stayed Series
(Some identifying information such as names, dates, and locations have been redacted to protect the identities of survivors telling their stories.)
By Patrice Tillery and Veronica Thomas
Deciding to leave an abusive relationship is a painful journey marked by deep internal conflict. For many survivors, the choice is not just about escaping violence; it involves confronting a complex web of emotions, fears, and societal pressures that keep them tethered to their abusers.
In this 3-part Survivor Story Series, Patrice and Veronica share their experiences, offering insight into why someone may stay in an abusive relationship and what ultimately gave them the strength to leave.
Veronica on Why She Left
The Power of Therapy
"My individual therapist and the couple's therapist we were seeing helped me realize that the way he treated me, the children, and everyone else around him was incredibly abusive and toxic. I began to believe I deserved better, which was a turning point. Additionally, the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft was integral in helping me understand that his actions and behavior were abusive."
The Exhaustion of Trying
"I was physically and emotionally exhausted after 13 years of trying to make things work. My father-in-law once told me, 'He's not going to change. You must decide if you're willing to continue living like this.' I remember my husband storming out of a couples counseling session, screaming at and threatening our therapist when the counselor simply asked me, 'Are you happy?'"
Financial Independence as a Catalyst
"I spent four years building my career and becoming financially independent. Subconsciously, I think I was preparing myself to leave. One of the final straws was when he became jealous and critical of my career, showing up at work to make a scene and criticize me, while refusing to help at home or with the kids."
Patrice on Why She Left
Prioritizing My Children’s Wellbeing
"I realized that a mentally and emotionally healthy single-parent family was better than a damaging nuclear family. My oldest daughter started vocalizing what she saw at home—how 'daddy is always mean to mommy'—and I knew then that no matter how challenging it would be to uproot our lives, staying would cause more damage."
Accepting the Unchangeable
"It took years to accept that if he hadn’t changed by now, it wasn’t going to happen. After nearly 20 years and multiple therapists, the relationship didn’t improve. Couples therapy often made things worse, with him accusing me of manipulating the therapist. His reactions became so volatile that therapy sessions felt more dangerous than daily life. I finally accepted that change wasn’t coming."
The Rediscovery of Self
"I realized I was living in survival mode. My children had never seen me joyful because I was emotionally and socially withdrawn, just trying to keep the peace at home. But the glimpses of light I felt when I was with friends and family reminded me of who I once was. It was time to get my life back—and I did. It was hard, but my children and I are so much better for it."
As you have read, a combination of factors propelled Veronica and Patrice toward their freedom. We hope their stories have either provided an insider perspective into the complex lived realities of survivors of GBV or shed a positive light to victims/survivors who may be trying to answer their question of 'Why Am I Staying?' Leaving an abusive relationship is not a sign of weakness but an act of courage and self-love. We also recognize that leaving is not the only option and is not always the best option. Ultimately, victims/survivors know what is best for them. Only they know when they are ready. Please remember these stories the next time you hear someone ask,
“If he was so abusive, why did she stay?”
TAGS: #Gender Based Violence #News