Part 2: Why We Stayed: The Struggle with Hope, Identity and Courage
Why We Stayed Series
(Some identifying information such as names, dates, and locations have been redacted to protect the identities of survivors telling their stories.)
By Patrice Tillery and Veronica Thomas
Patrice and Veronica share their experiences to shed light on the complexities of gender-based violence (GBV). Telling their stories is a healing process that offers validation, fosters connection, and helps answer questions of those who may not fully understand what it is like to navigate an abusive relationship.
In this 3-part Survivor Story Series, Patrice and Veronica share their personal journeys, offering insight into why someone may stay in an abusive relationship and what ultimately gave them the strength to leave.
The second installment in this series highlights Patrice's struggle with her ideal of a nuclear family, her belief in her partner’s potential, the realization of losing her identity, and, ultimately, her decision to leave.
The Reality of a Nuclear Family
"Through therapy, I realized how much I was holding onto the image of having a nuclear family, both for myself and in the eyes of others. I had envisioned a very specific family structure since childhood, one very different from my own single-parent upbringing. Letting go of that dream and accepting it wasn’t my reality with this partner was incredibly difficult. External pressures like religion and the shame of a ‘failed marriage’ weighed heavily on me. Moreover, I’m Type A—I don’t handle unplanned events well, and not being able to ‘fix’ this relationship was a bitter pill to swallow."
Balancing Career Demands and Parenthood
"During my marriage, I worked in luxury retail management, which meant a constantly changing and demanding schedule. When my mother passed away at 18, I lost my main support system. My remaining support network either worked or wasn’t available to care for my kids. I had no idea how to juggle single parenthood, manage drop-offs and pick-ups, extracurricular activities, and still perform at a job that required evenings and weekends."
The Hope for Change
“I’m a natural optimist. I see the good in people and situations, and while this mindset serves me well in many areas of life, it didn’t help in my abusive marriage. My ex was like Dr. Bruce Banner and the Hulk—kind and considerate one moment, vile and volatile the next. But unlike the Hulk, there was no clear trigger for his outbursts. I kept telling myself that if I could avoid setting him off, things would improve, but it never worked. I held onto the idea that one day I’d just have Dr. Banner as my partner and leave the Hulk behind. That day never came.”
Patrice and Veronica’s stories show how the journeys of survivors often mirror one another. Both grappled with conflicting emotions and societal expectations, holding onto the hope that their partners would change, and their ideal family life could be preserved. Their stories illustrate the painful process of losing oneself in an abusive relationship and the importance of self-love and courage in the face of adversity.
In the final part of this series, Patrice and Veronica will share the revelations that gave them the confidence to finally leave their abusive relationships.
TAGS: #Gender Based Violence #News