What I Learned While Working with Young Survivors
By: Megan BeldenESQ. Senior Attorney Advisor, National Restraining Order Center One in three. That’s how many teens will experience physical, sexual, or…
What I Learned While Working with Young Survivors
By: Megan BeldenESQ. Senior Attorney Advisor, National Restraining Order Center
One in three. That’s how many teens will experience physical, sexual, or emotional abuse by someone that they are in a relationship with during their teenage years.1
My first job as a real-life attorney, actually representing survivors of intimate partner violence in court, was at the non-profit Break the Cycle (BTC). At BTC, I served a niche clientele, survivors of intimate partner violence between the ages of 12 and 24, in Washington, D.C. We believed that teens deserved safe and healthy relationships, free from violence and free from fear. Prior to working at BTC, I was a domestic violence advocate, helping all survivors. During my time at BTC, I learned about how the dynamics of intimate partner violence can look different, and yet somehow also similar, between young people as compared to adults. Helping young survivors can also look different, and yet somehow also similar, compared to helping adult survivors. The differences when helping youth became readily apparent. There were little things: Most of my clients called me “Miss Megan.” Most greeted me with a hug. Most wanted to text rather than talk on the phone (some at any time whenever the thought came to them—nights, weekends, holidays). There were larger differences as well: First, there’s the obvious, parents are involved. Legally, the roles of the parent and young survivor vary greatly depending on the laws of a particular state, tribe, or territory. However, practically bridging the gap between the young survivor and their parent required balancing the youth’s autonomy and decision-making with the parent’s concern for their child’s safety. Second, the survivor may attend school with the abusive party, and both have the right to an education. Schools can be allies to survivor safety and can help craft creative safety plans. While I expected new challenges when representing young survivors, I did not expect to learn so much from them. I learned about the newest features in technology and social media. I also learned so much more.
Love. As advocates, we talk so much about barriers to leaving an abusive relationship. We often focus on tangible things that we think will resonate with a judge, a parent, a teacher, or someone who hasn’t experienced intimate partner violence. Those things, such as lack of housing, safety of children, and presence of firearms, are all huge barriers to being free of an abusive relationship. But many of my young clients taught me that Love is just as big a barrier. For many of my clients, the relationship did not start out as abusive. It started out sweet and romantic and blossomed into love. Young love is powerful—it is all-encompassing and exhilarating. But then the true question about intimate partner violence surfaced. I’m not talking about the stereotypical “Why didn’t they leave?” question. I’m talking about the “Why did they hit someone they love?” question. One of my clients, at trial, said, “He is the love of my life. When I look into my children’s faces, I see his face. And he hits me.” For many of my clients, they wanted the abuse to stop, for the love to remain and to go back to that time when their relationship was just about young love. As an attorney, this was particularly challenging, as that desire is not something the legal system can help with. It was then that I realized the value of mental health services to help the young survivors overcome this loss—loss of love and loss of the trust that someone they loved wouldn’t hurt them.
Connection. As advocates, we often discuss technology as a method of perpetrating abuse. It can be used to bully, harass, stalk, and threaten. But through texting, direct-messaging, and apps like TikTok, for young people a sense of connection forms. If technology is being used to perpetrate abuse, it is easy to suggest to clients that they stop using a particular app or make their account private. However, this ignores the connections with friends and family that technology can foster, which can be a very valuable resource. I learned that safety planning with young people must be nuanced and judgment-free. My clients taught me about how the technology worked, what they used it for, and working together my clients could create their safety plan.
Hope. Attorneys and advocates assisting survivors of intimate partner violence often do not know how their clients fared long-term. It’s the nature of the work really, we don’t know if it’s safe to contact a client in the future. One thing I loved about working with young people was the occasional chance to run into them later. Of course, I did not approach them out of confidentiality concerns. But one day I heard “Miss Megan” yelled across a DC metro car, I was greeted with the biggest hug, and I instantly knew the client was ok. For many of my clients, after they received a protection order, their future was bright. Some went to college, and even graduate school. Some were able to effectively and safely co-parent with their abusive partner. I saw that in helping young survivors, it was more than just leaving an immediate abusive relationship; I saw their hope for a long, bright future ahead of them.
If you or a young person that you know is experiencing dating violence or is in an unhealthy relationship, there are great resources that exist. At Love is Respect, youth can speak with an advocate by calling 1.866.331.9474, texting LOVEIS to 22522, or chatting at www.loveisrespect.org.
If you are a service provider, it is both a privilege and a responsibility to help a young survivor. Part of that responsibility is approaching the young person with openness and a willingness to learn from the youth. You may learn more from them than they do from you.
BWJP Resources for Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month
Webinar: Critical Issues Forum: Representing and Advocating for Teen Survivors
In January 2025, the National Center on Protection Orders and Full Faith and Credit (NCPOFFC) hosted a special critical issues forum presented by Norah Rexer, Associate Director of Legal Services, and Bianca Hernandez, Senior Staff Attorney, with Day One. In this forum, Ms. Rexer and Ms. Hernandez discussed the unique considerations that arise when representing and advocating for teen and young adult survivors in New York City. They discuss some helpful tips when assisting young people.
Juvenile Access to Protection Orders Statutory Compilation
Can teens get protection orders on their own? Do they need a parent or guardian to request a protection order on their behalf? The answers to these questions greatly depend on the specific law in each state, tribe, or territory. NCPOFFC has a compilation of state and territory laws that address how minors may access protection orders:
What High Schools and Colleges Need to Know About Dating Violence and Firearms
In the United States, one in eight high school students reports having been subjected to dating violence (physical, sexual, or both) within the last year. Among the college population, approximately 23% of U.S. undergraduate students report having been subjected to emotional, physical and/or sexual violence by a dating partner in the preceding year. This means that every high school and college community is impacted by teen dating violence. The majority of teen dating violence-related homicides are committed with a firearm, and schools have been the site of fatal teen dating violence. This resource identifies key information about the intersection of teen dating violence and firearms that schools should understand and recommends steps schools can take to minimize risk.